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How can the 12 Steps benefit adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs)? Veronica Ray offers this book to show "how various people have learned to identify their adult child problems and how the 12 Steps have helped them to a better life" (page 3). Each chapter contains a brief discussion of the Step, followed by a case study or two about a person's specific application of the Step to their own lives. In this review, I'll focus on Ray's discussion of the first three steps.
Step 1: Admitted we were powerless...that our lives had become unmanageable
Ray rightly observes that most people get caught up on pronouncing themselves powerless, so she explains, specifically, what kind of "power" Step One says we're surrendering. After all, there's nothing wrong with saying we have the power to choose, to change, to grow. The problem begins when we believe "we have the power to manipulate people and events" (p. 6). Thus, "we arrive at Step One when we finally realize that our attempts to control and manipulate [people and events] haven't worked" (p.8).
(One reason why ACOAs fall into the trap of manipulating people, places and things is that enduring a chaotic alcoholic household has left us with unpleasant feelings, attitudes and beliefs--that we're unworthy of self-esteem, that we can't trust anyone, that we can't ask for help, etc. But, rather than realizing that these feelings as collateral damage coming from our alcoholic upbringings, many ACOAs believe that "other people or outside influences have caused these feelings" (p. 2) and we seek to change, or control, or manipulate them.)
Step Two: Came to believe that a Power Greater than Ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Of course, much of Ray's guide is similar to what we find in other guides to the 12 Steps (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, for instance, or Terence Gorski's Understanding the Twelve Steps: An Interpretation and Guide for Recovering). So I'll focus on nuances which are unique to Ray's presentation.
In Step Two, Ray rightly notes that most people's trouble with Step Two (and Three) concerns the theology technically referred to as, "The God Crap." But Ray points out that "Higher Power" doesn't necessarily mean some all-powerful supernatural Deity. Rather, on Ray's view, a "Higher Power" can mean a "Helpful Guide," even "an imaginary guide--a mother, father, friend, teacher--who can give us what our own parents could not" (p.15). Ray's only suggestion is that this Higher Whatever is "a positive force--loving, understanding, and forgiving. It does not judge or punish. It will not control or condemn" (p.15). On this intriguing view, one could even imagine, as a Higher Power, an ever-present Mister Rogers , always in the mind to whisper good and encouraging affirmations.
Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understood Him.
How does a Higher Power "work" in a person's 12-Step program? To Ray's credit, she provides a brief, specific example of how she envisions a Higher Power giving a recovering ACOA the courage to face life:
"For example, we may be in a relationship where we habitually worry and manipulate. We may have believed that we can make a person like us or accept us. We now consciously turn that relationship over to God and accept whatever happens. We may catch ourselves worrying about it or trying to make something happen. At those times, we can ask for help in remaining willing to surrender the relationship to God's care. Then we can ask God to handle the relationship in any way God chooses. The relationship may improve, deteriorate, or even end. Whatever happens, if it's our Higher Power's will and not the result of our manipulative behavior, we can assume that it's the best possible outcome" (p.20).
Ray deserves credit for specificity and clarity. On the other hand, the above description presupposes a "Higher Power" who has real-world powers (over events, relationships, etc.). But what if we took Ray's advice at Step Two, and opted to choose an "imaginary guide" as our "Higher Power"? Obviously, imaginary friends and guides lack the real-world power to cause "the best possible outcome" in the real world.
Ray's guide is similarly clear and helpful in her discussion of the remaining Steps. (Ray's discussion of humility at Step Seven deserves comparison with Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions's discussion of the same concept at the same Step.) And, at only 100 pages, Ray's book deserves credit for brevity. I'd read it again.
Step 1: Admitted we were powerless...that our lives had become unmanageable
Ray rightly observes that most people get caught up on pronouncing themselves powerless, so she explains, specifically, what kind of "power" Step One says we're surrendering. After all, there's nothing wrong with saying we have the power to choose, to change, to grow. The problem begins when we believe "we have the power to manipulate people and events" (p. 6). Thus, "we arrive at Step One when we finally realize that our attempts to control and manipulate [people and events] haven't worked" (p.8).
(One reason why ACOAs fall into the trap of manipulating people, places and things is that enduring a chaotic alcoholic household has left us with unpleasant feelings, attitudes and beliefs--that we're unworthy of self-esteem, that we can't trust anyone, that we can't ask for help, etc. But, rather than realizing that these feelings as collateral damage coming from our alcoholic upbringings, many ACOAs believe that "other people or outside influences have caused these feelings" (p. 2) and we seek to change, or control, or manipulate them.)
Step Two: Came to believe that a Power Greater than Ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Of course, much of Ray's guide is similar to what we find in other guides to the 12 Steps (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, for instance, or Terence Gorski's Understanding the Twelve Steps: An Interpretation and Guide for Recovering). So I'll focus on nuances which are unique to Ray's presentation.
In Step Two, Ray rightly notes that most people's trouble with Step Two (and Three) concerns the theology technically referred to as, "The God Crap." But Ray points out that "Higher Power" doesn't necessarily mean some all-powerful supernatural Deity. Rather, on Ray's view, a "Higher Power" can mean a "Helpful Guide," even "an imaginary guide--a mother, father, friend, teacher--who can give us what our own parents could not" (p.15). Ray's only suggestion is that this Higher Whatever is "a positive force--loving, understanding, and forgiving. It does not judge or punish. It will not control or condemn" (p.15). On this intriguing view, one could even imagine, as a Higher Power, an ever-present Mister Rogers , always in the mind to whisper good and encouraging affirmations.
Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understood Him.
How does a Higher Power "work" in a person's 12-Step program? To Ray's credit, she provides a brief, specific example of how she envisions a Higher Power giving a recovering ACOA the courage to face life:
"For example, we may be in a relationship where we habitually worry and manipulate. We may have believed that we can make a person like us or accept us. We now consciously turn that relationship over to God and accept whatever happens. We may catch ourselves worrying about it or trying to make something happen. At those times, we can ask for help in remaining willing to surrender the relationship to God's care. Then we can ask God to handle the relationship in any way God chooses. The relationship may improve, deteriorate, or even end. Whatever happens, if it's our Higher Power's will and not the result of our manipulative behavior, we can assume that it's the best possible outcome" (p.20).
Ray deserves credit for specificity and clarity. On the other hand, the above description presupposes a "Higher Power" who has real-world powers (over events, relationships, etc.). But what if we took Ray's advice at Step Two, and opted to choose an "imaginary guide" as our "Higher Power"? Obviously, imaginary friends and guides lack the real-world power to cause "the best possible outcome" in the real world.
Ray's guide is similarly clear and helpful in her discussion of the remaining Steps. (Ray's discussion of humility at Step Seven deserves comparison with Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions's discussion of the same concept at the same Step.) And, at only 100 pages, Ray's book deserves credit for brevity. I'd read it again.
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